what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
