My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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