She said her name was "party"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
