There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
