that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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