Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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