Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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