Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
