Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
