Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
