Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
