Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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