Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
