Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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