if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
