I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
