her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
