I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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