I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just threw up on my dentist
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
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