im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
A+ Viking dick
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