If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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