found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
