How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
