Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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