Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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