Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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