please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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