yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
As shirtless as possible
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
