i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
