Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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