good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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