be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
