it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
