just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
