dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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