i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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