I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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