I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
