my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
