I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
