you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
