oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
