i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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