So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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