Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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