Cold hands, warm shart.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
