So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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