Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
