I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
