I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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